Love, Relationships, & Fried Chicken Sandwiches

When John Legend sang “Cause all of me loves all of you. Love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections,” was he talking about significant others or fried chicken sandwiches?

We may never know, but today I’ve decided to take the time to compare these two things. Over the span of my life, I’ve had some really great fried chicken sandwiches, and some really bad fried chicken sandwiches. I’ve also been in some great relationships and some bad ones as well. But if I had to choose one, which would it be? I’ve chosen a couple of qualities to compare significant others and fried chicken sandwiches in a winner-take-all, best of 5 format.

I know what some of you are probably thinking right now: “Wow, Darren doesn’t think very highly of people.” Not at all! I just think very highly of fried chicken sandwiches. Let’s begin.

Courtship
No one really preps you for life outside of school - being single and trying to meet people when in the cold wasteland of adulthood can be really hard! Between sorting through riff-raff and getting ghosted by every other person you match with on Tinder, it’s easy to lose confidence and forget your self-worth as a human being. Don’t let them win! For every person who is a butt to you, there is a hot, fried chicken sandwich who will accept you for who you are, as you are. Fried chicken sandwiches have always been there for me, at my lowest points and my highest points. And that is why they take this first round.
WINNER: Fried Chicken Sandwiches

Intimacy
Intimacy is the feeling of belonging and being loved. It’s the feeling of being known and understood. It’s the feeling of being accepted and appreciated. (Someone give me the Pulitzer Prize for that touching writeup that I might have ripped off a Google search of ‘intimacy!’) This was a tough category to pick a winner, but ultimately for me it came down to cuddles. Being little spoon is the closest I have been to experiencing true spiritual salvation.* For all of its greatness and glory, Fried Chicken can only cuddle me from the inside. Significant others tie it up in round two.
WINNER: Significant Others

Meeting the Parents
Meeting your significant other’s parents is a landmark for any serious relationship, but also seriously stressful for all parties involved. It’s sort of like taking a test, where you study and prepare the materials you have been given (e.g. what your SO tells you their parents are like) and you hope that the 3 hour cram session you did before walking into the classroom doesn’t fail you.** But once you get to that front doorstep of Mr. and Mrs. SO, it’s really like an audition. You prepared as best you could but you have no idea what they’re looking for or what parameters you’re being judged by. It’s overwhelming, stressful, and annoying. But everyone loves Fried Chicken sandwiches. Unless you’re vegetarian, which begs the question of why you’re reading this in the first place?
WINNER: Fried Chicken Sandwiches

Compromise
In a truly healthy relationship, you meet your partner in the middle - a true 50/50 split. This has to be achieved through communication and self-sacrifice, and there has to be emotional maturity on both sides for it to work. This can be a difficult when it comes to SOs because everyone is a different stage of their emotional maturity, but it is possible to reach a healthy level of compromise. In a way, dating is like being the general manager of a NBA team. Zion Williamson went first on the promise of his potential, but do we really know if it will work out?? I just swiped right on a girl who listed her age as 87 and claims to be the heiress to the Kellogg company. That’s first round pick potential right there, and I’ll keep you posted on how that turns out. Regarding Fried Chicken, despite my BEST efforts Chick-fil-A refuses to meet me on Sundays. Also, they’re run by bigots. So I give the nod to significant others here. Assuming that they aren’t homophobic, of course.
WINNER: Significant Others

Long term happiness
A wise TV character once told me that the important people in your life are those that you see next to you when you daydream about being old. When I do this exercise, it rings true: I can see my sister, Sean Van Winkle, and Jeremy Lin next to me as we rock our chairs together complaining about youths and the new robot gangs terrorizing the cities. Unfortunately for the purposes of this exercise, I can also very clearly see both a fried chicken sandwich and my significant other with me as well. When I eventually meet the woman who becomes my wife (I know you’re out there!), I know I’ll be a happy man. But if I only had fried chicken sandwiches, I know I’d also be quite happy for the rest of my life.*** But lucky for me, I don’t have to choose.
WINNER: Me

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*Second only to the first time I listened to Anderson .Paak’s Malibu the whole way through. What a great album.
**In my experience…. it will.
***I’m here for a good time, not a long time.