thanks lanc, next — Darren Lin

I knew it wasn’t going to work off jump.

I grew up closeby in Hershey and had no desire to live anywhere close to that area again. So I chose you. I’ll admit, my intentions weren’t pure from the start. I chose you because you were two hours away from Philly, Baltimore, and DC. I was with you to get with your friends.

But you were cute - the eighth-largest city in Pennsylvania (according to my amateur Wikipedia research.) Friends described you as “hip,” a “small town with big city dreams,” and I bought in. I wanted to believe that I would enjoy my time with you, possibly discover some new hobbies and interests that would further develop me as a human being.

I didn’t.

Yes, I know. Part of it’s on me. I was on the road A LOT, and I didn’t spend as much time with you as I should have. But the time we did spend together was weird - you were obsessed with the amish* and for some reason whenever we hung out I felt like I was living in a gigantic Cracker Barrel**.

But in the isolation, I learned to love myself. I faced down whatever demons of mine were left and learned to deal with them, and I do believe I’m one step closer to the best version of myself.

Thanks, lanc. We were never meant to last but there’s a reason I ended up with you when I did.

Next.

___________________

*The Amish are straight up the weirdest f-cking people I’ve ever come across. It’s annoying how OK we are with integrating them into society around here. They don’t pay taxes but they use our money, they can vote, AND they use our roads? Get your horse and buggy out of here, Ezekiel. I left my house at the time I did on the assumption I’d be traveling at car speed, not at the speed of 4 horses and white James Harden. I also have a theory that we only accept them because they have German roots - if they were colored folk I have to imagine we would have murdered thousands of them decades ago, forced them to resettle over and over again, and then eventually come to an uneasy truce with them so we could go to their casinos... wait.
**First time I ever went to a Cracker Barrel was with a girl I was dating. It was like stepping through a time portal back to the 1920s... which really isn’t a trip any minority wants to take.

////

SHOUTOUTS

Karrisa, everytime we talk or hang out you reinforce the fact that you’re by far and away the weirdest, most ratchet human I know. AND you’re a nurse now? That terrifies me. Love you sis. ELATIONSSSS!!!!

Matt, my brother from another mother, I love you with the intensity of a thousand suns. I’m gonna get you that editor credit one day! Thanks for listening to all my rants and my dumbass jokes. Tell your mom wassup and let’s get more Pino’s when I visit.

Paul, started as freshman roommates and now we here. You’ll always be my first round draft pick for dim sum. Hope you survive busy season, and we’ll do that cruise soon. Looking forward to doing more embarrassing things with you so you can throw them in my face 5 years down the road...

Bryan, it’s been a while since someone could match me pound-for-pound on sheer weirdness. The day is coming where we can play Overwatch together, I can feel it! Much love, but I need you to know that Draymond is and always will be hot garbage.

JG & JO, thanks for the 3 most influential years of my life. I definitely have a reputation now as ‘most obnoxious Michigan fan of all time’ but I would do it all over again in a second. Thanks for all the wake-up calls and life lessons, Go Blue forever and always!

MJB, sorry you had to deal with the WORST VERSION of me. Thanks for opening my eyes and starting me on the path towards being a better human being. I love you, but I also hope the Cowboys are stuck with Jason Garrett for 100 years.

Will, you took a shot on me and I’ll never forget that! You also opened my ears and made me listen to music in a completely different way. Thanks for always believing in me!

Mark, Dinesh, Rob, and Matt, I learned so much from you guys. You guys basically watched me fully transition from someone who had no idea what he was doing to a person who still doesn’t really know what he’s doing but can fake the hell out of it. Thanks for all the guidance and I can’t wait to play with you all again!

To the BPO, thanks for being so welcoming and so supportive. Everytime I played with y’all, it felt like I was home. You guys are great. Also, I think I became a Bills fan during my time there? So know you always have a partner in sports-related misery.

Jane, I am constantly overwhelmed and inspired by your strength of character and intelligence. Why are we friends? I straight up DON’T deserve you. Let’s eat more Popeyes, and move to DC soon so our dogs can be best friends, thanks.

J-Balls, we’re doing the thing!!!! I’m always inspired by how hard you work and I know great things are coming for you down the road. Love you man - thanks for being a great friend and when you’re up for it let’s hate ourselves at Shady Maple again.

Laurin, future wifey! Thanks for being my forever wingwoman, I’m sorry I have no game. Thanks for always (and I mean ALWAYS) letting me know when I’m making poor life decisions. Let’s spend two weeks doing non-stop mocks again soon. Snowpiercer, 10PM FIVE-EVER!

Sean, my dude, when are we getting married? If that ain’t happening, at least let me walk you down the aisle when you get married without me. You’re one of the hardest working people I know, and also my go-to when I need someone who I can yell rap lyrics with at 2 in the morning. YES LAWD!! Also, get an instagram. I will never give up. #getseanoninstagram

Maddie, you’re the most unique ray of sunshine I’ve ever met. I’m not quite sure how you have so many random fun facts packed away in your head, but I’m glad you share them with me. PS, Shakespeare is still boring as hell, you’ll never change my mind.