The 2020 Fantasy Orchestra Draft
The NFL Draft is always a curious time of year. As an Eagles fan, I’m usually still licking my wounds and / or dealing with the post-traumatic stress brought on from the previous season, but still somehow convincing myself that next season will be different and better. Sure, we drafted a QB in the second round when we already have an established starter and still have many positions that desperately need talent and youth but we’ll be OK right? Right?? (I have been told my relationship with sports is “unhealthy” and that I need time to myself before getting back into it again.)
Then I thought, as I drank away the pain of drafting Jalen Hurts in the 2nd round, what if orchestras operated the same way? And if I was a GM, who would I want where? Would I draft on personality potential and hope I could groom the candidate into the player I want or do I go with the resume and let experience win? Ladies and Gentlemen, it is a mix of those rambling thoughts, a healthy portion of pure boredom, cheap whiskey, and the infinite amount of Quarantine time that we now have that brings us to this post. I present to you my 2020 Mock Fantasy Orchestra Draft.
THE STRINGS
1st Violin / Concertmaster - Dolores Abernathy (Westworld)
Dolores for concertmaster might be an unpopular pick. As GM, I may come to regret this decision down the road if she ever leads an orchestra uprising and takes out the board members and possibly the audience too. But watching her lead the robot uprising, make the difficult choices she has to, and outwit her opponents gives me the confidence that while our goals align she will have this orchestra at its peak.
Is there a chance she starts replacing members of the orchestra who don’t perform up to her standards with host copies? I guess so. Is it possible she’s already begun? Wait - what’s real? Am I real? Welcome to the center of the maze, baby.
Runner-Up(s): Cersei Lannister (Game of Thrones)
2nd Violin - Samwise Gamgee (Lord of the Rings)
2nd violins always get a bad rep. But in orchestra they do mostly play accompaniment and they have to be okay with that. So for my principal 2nd violin, I need a homie. A ride-or-die, follow me to the end of the world type homie. Someone who can gently tell the concertmaster when she messes up (“Don’t go where I can’t follow, Mr. Frodo!”) and can also teach me new ways to prep my potatoes (“Boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew.”) What more could you want from a 2nd violinist? At the end of the day, Sam just wants to go back home to Shire and hang out with his wife and kids. He’ll do his job as principal 2nd wonderfully, and perfectly offset Dolores when she becomes a little too murder-y for the rest of the group.
Runner-Up(s): Ron Weasley (Harry Potter), Russell (Up)
Viola - Dwight Schrute (The Office)
It must be rough being a violist. They don’t only get pooped on by other string players, but by most instrumentalists. Then when they go to play their instrument and forget the troubles of the world, they’ll sometimes have to play in Alto Clef.
I hate Alto Clef. I’m pretty sure it was invented as a torture method by the French in the mid-1800s. Here is a short list of things I’d rather do then read Alto Clef:
Only wear crocs for the rest of my life.
Step on a Lego. Barefoot.
Go to an EDM concert and have earnest conversations with the people there about how EDM is a “spiritual experience” and a viable, relevant genre of music. (It’s not, don’t @ me.)
Hang out with Kid Rock.
Hang out with Adult Rock.
Become vegan.
When you add the combined mental and societal pressures of both playing the viola and having to read in alto clef, it’s honestly a wonder how all violists haven’t snapped and become serial killers. God bless them for their mental willpower and god-tier constitution. The only person I can think of that could face these two challenges and not really change in any way is Dwight Schrute. Welcome your new Assistant (to the) (Assistant) Concertmaster, folks.
Runner-Up(s): Hannibal Lecter (The Silence of the Lambs), Patrick Bateman (American Psycho), Anton Chigurh (No Country for Old Men)
Cello - Brienne of Tarth (Game of Thrones)
The thing I appreciate most about cellists is that they all can make the best “sad boi” faces. Literally every time a cellist plays, this face happens at least 5 or 6 times. I think it might be a law of nature. You know the face I’m talking about:
That look is one of deep, deep soul searching mixed with a little ‘listening to Adele and staring out the window while it’s raining’ topped off with some 'reaching for your bag of Cheetos before remembering you ate the whole bag in one sitting yesterday.’ It’s a deep f***ing look.
Brienne of Tarth might be the consistently saddest character I’ve ever watched on the TV screen. I straight up don’t think she smiles at all in the entire Game of Thrones series.* I bet if you get a cello into that woman’s arms, you are going to get some of the most tortured, contemplative, beautiful music making you’ve ever heard. Lord help us if she ever plays the Elgar Concerto. It’ll make me cry harder than the end of Marley and Me.
Runner-Up(s): Daria (Daria), Walter Jr. (Breaking Bad)
Double Bass - Darius (Atlanta)
By far the chillest members of the String family, and probably tied with percussionists for “most chill instrumentalist.” Usually adorned in some sort of cardigan. There are very few bass players I meet that I don’t instantly like in some sort of way. And even if I don’t like the person, chances are I’ll still be down to hang with them. I’m drafting Darius for my principal String Bass position because I definitely want to hang out with this dude.
Runner-Up(s): Andy Dwyer (Parks & Rec), Jason Mendoza (The Good Place), Any character played by Paul Rudd
THE WOODWINDS
Oboe - Schmidt (New Girl)
Every oboe player I’ve met is quite personable, but I always sense a deeper layer of manic, frenetic energy. It’s like a dormant volcano or something. Then, we go and give them sharp knives for their “reeds.” Every TV show I’ve ever seen tells me that this is a bad plot point just waiting to happen. Guys, once quarantine ends let’s make sure to find your nearest oboe player and make sure they’re OK. Give them a hug, get them out of humidity, treat them to their favorite snack food.
Schmidt is probably my favorite non-Mike Schur TV show character - he’s neurotic as hell, but probably the most self-aware character on New Girl. I probably love the character so much because I relate so much to the ball of anxiety that he hides under the surface. I think he’s OCD enough to deal with all the things oboe players deal with and thrive. Or he snaps. Win-win.
Runner-Up(s): Joyce Byers (Stranger Things), Amy Santiago (Brooklyn Nine-Nine)
Flute - Regina George (Mean Girls)
Peppy. Immaculately dressed. The diva of the orchestra. When I think about flute, this is what pops into mind. Some of the sweetest, friendliest people I’ve ever met play flute. But on the flip side, the single most savage person I’ve ever met also plays flute. I don’t think those two traits are mutually exclusive. No character embodies my vision of flute like Regina George from Mean Girls. She’s sweet enough to hide the pure evil inside, and that’s exactly what I want from my principal flautist.
Runner-Up(s): April (Parks & Rec)
Clarinet - Frank Ocean (???)
OK yes, I know I said up top that I would stick to only fictional characters but how sure are we that Frank Ocean isn’t a hologram? The dude is AWOL and has been off the grid the majority of his time in the limelight, only appearing once every 5 years or so to drop an album that changes my life. (Really, this is just a plea for Frank to drop some more music.)
Clarinet is a very melancholy instrument. Even when it’s playing the happiest melody in the world, it’s still tinged with a bit of sadness. Like when you go on a date with the perfect girl but find out she’s vegan. Or when you go to see the new Star Wars in the movie theaters but it’s The Rise of Skywalker. Or when you’re a sports fan but you support Michigan athletics. Even at his happiest, Frank is still pretty damn sad. The perfect clarinet player for my orchestra.
Runner-Up(s): Eeyore (Winnie-the-Pooh), Debbie Downer (SNL)
Bassoon - that guy from the “American Gothic” painting
I remember seeing the Berlin Phil wind quintet perform a concert once, and when the bassoonist walked out I immediately noticed how much this man looked like his instrument. The resemblance was uncanny. They could have been twins separated at birth. Then the light hit this man’s forehead and the bassoon at the same time; they both glinted in perfect unison and my mind exploded. Years later, I still haven’t gotten over that moment. My pick has nothing to do with bassoonists or the instrument. I’m sorry to all the bassoonists I know, y’all are super cool people, but I gotta pick someone who looks like a bassoon.
THE BRASS
Trumpet - Han Solo (Star Wars)
Give me someone who bleeds charisma and confidence. I want a principal trumpet that looks at the highest, most exposed solo notes in the repertoire and says, “Never tell me the odds.” Give me someone who walks the fine line between arrogant b-hole and confident leader - that’s Han Solo. Yo, I knocked this pick out of the park. Try to pick someone better. Just TRY.
French Horn - Beatrix “The Bride” Kiddo (Kill Bill)
From my one semester in Class Horn, I’ve learned that French Horn is an instrument created by the devil. You have to sing the note in your head before you even play, you can have the right fingering, correct air speed, and perfect embouchure and you can still miss the note. Stare into a horn player’s eyes long enough, and you’ll eventually see the part where the light doesn’t reflect. The part of their soul that has withered away because of multiple fracked notes at inopportune times and another part of them that has died from playing offbeats for so many years of their life.
What better character to tackle this instrument from hell than a woman who stared into the eyes of the devil and lived to tell the tale? Over the course of Kill Bill, The Bride gets shot in the head, gets buried alive, survives multiple sword wounds and STILL comes out on top. Those horn partials don’t stand a chance.
Runner-Up(s): Daryl Dixon (The Walking Dead), Buttercup (Powerpuff Girls)
Trombone - Eleanor Shellstrop (The Good Place)
60% of the time, if someone tells you a fart joke upon the first time meeting them then they are 100% a trombone player.** Maybe it’s because the trombone is the one instrument that can do the closest impression of a fart. Maybe it’s because the trombones are shoved in the back between the rest of the brass and those dirty percussionists. Regardless, they’re always chill and down to hang, and have possibly talked me into making many a poor life choice at parties every now and again. See you in the Good Place, trombone homies.
Runner-Up(s): Kumar (Harold & Kumar), Kelli (Insecure)
Tuba - Hagrid (Harry Potter)
The foundation of any strong chord is the bottom. So, I’m going with the half-giant, half-human hybrid Hagrid for my Tuba player. He’s cheery, always dependable, and definitely drinks enough to hang with the rest of the brass players. The added benefit of Hagrid’s new Tuba position is that it will still give him the time to have his adjunct professor / groundskeeper position at Hogwarts, where he can continue leading underage children into dangerous situations! It’s a win-win for everyone!
OK, but seriously, does the Wizarding World have any sort of child protection laws in their education systems? Or is everything just fair game?
Runner-Up(s): Fat Thor (MCU), The Kool-Aid Man (OH YEAH)
TIMPANI / PERCUSSION
Timpani - Thanos (MCU)
The timpanist is the second conductor of the orchestra. My favorite timpanists are those directing the ensemble from the back in a wave of sheer willpower. So for my timpanist, I want a bonafide DADDY. And who is a bigger daddy than the Purple Space Man himself, Thanos? He’s a perfect fit. I quote him in my lessons all the time (“Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.”) so technically you know he’s up for the challenge. Willpower wise, he murdered half of of the universe to make his point. I’m pretty sure if things start to become unhinged during a performance of Rite of Spring, Thanos can get us all back on track.
Percussion - Batman (DC)
Percussionists do all the dirty work that no one else wants to do. Want someone to sit for a hour plus and crash some cymbals for the last note of the piece? Sign us up. Need a police whistle blown? All day. Want us to hit an expensive instrument with something it wasn’t meant to be hit with because you like the sound? Cool. Much like Batman, all percussionists are adept with multiple tools at any given time. Like Batman, after a long rehearsal we will retire to our dark, damp caves to prepare for the next day’s battle.
And most like Batman, we usually wear the same clothes day to day regardless of how dirty they are or much they smell.
Runner-Up(s): Tony Stark (MCU), Inspector Gadget
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*To be honest, I never finished the last season though.
**The other 40% is either me or Seth Rogen.