What a bad movie! My thoughts below - spoilers, obviously.

THE GOOD

Adam Driver - this dude carries this film with his acting performance. Maybe I’m also riding a post “Marriage Story” high, but my god is Adam Driver talented. As Ben Skywalker, he only has one line of dialogue (a “ow” as he hits a wall) but his physical acting was so convincing that I didn’t need any more lines to know that he had converted back to the light. Give this man an Oscar for his performance in Marriage Story!!

The Rey + Kylo (Reylo?) dynamic - This actually worked for me, and was the one saving grace of the film. The actors have great chemistry and I liked the force bond thing they continued to develop from ‘The Last Jedi’. The kiss was incredibly awkward and for me, a bit unnecessary. But Adam Driver is incredibly jacked and if he brought me back to life, I’d probably kiss him too. (No homo.)

The ICEE I drank during the movie - I think it was good? I remember enjoying it. I think I got a cherry flavored one.

THE BAD

The first hour of the movie / pacing - I felt out of breath with how much crap JJ Abrams shoved into the first hour of the film. It was completely expository, literally following the gang as they run errand after errand that ultimately didn’t matter.* After this film, I am completely uninterested in Finn or Poe as characters because there was no time dedicated to exploring who they are and what they care about. Instead, we follow them to Burning Man?? They fight a snake?? They go to WW2 era Poland and meet an ex-girlfriend?

Honestly, it felt like I was watching a movie written by some insane, sugar-fueled 9 year old. Then they go here! Then they do this! Explosions!! What this movie needs is some milk, a nap, and some carrots or some shit. Because what we got is unintelligible.

The complete and utter lack of consequences - The first time I actually became interested during this film was when Chewie “died” at Rey’s hand. I got excited thinking that JJ actually brought it for the series finale, when not a mere 2 minutes later it was revealed that Chewie was actually fine. This is not the only instance of an immediate Ctrl+Z that happens in this movie:

Chewie dying and coming back.
C-3PO getting his memory wiped - just kidding, R2 has a memory back up!**
Poe’s girlfriend dies! I know I just met her and have no feelings regarding that character but oh man, what a loss! Oh, she shows up in the final space battle.
Rey died! Nope, all Jedi are now imbued with Jesus powers, so Ben brings her back.

When there’s no consequence to actions, then nothing matters and why do I care? JJ’s fear of doing anything that might upset the legions of mouth-breathing Star Wars fans ultimately creates this sterile, incredibly banal product. Yes, members of the Resistance die, but as a viewer I don’t know those characters and there’s no risk to the main characters, so there’s no tension. I’m here because I want to feel something, damnit!

Rey’s parent reveal - Going into ‘The Last Jedi’, I was expecting Rey to be a Skywalker. It made sense from thematic standpoint, in that the prequel trilogy was about Anakin Skywalker, and the OG trilogy was about Luke Skywalker. It wouldn’t have been the sexy move, but it would have been fine.

Rian Johnson flipped all my expectations on their head in ‘The Last Jedi’, and I freakin’ loved it. The idea that anyone can be a hero is one of the core tenets of fantasy, and it was incredibly freeing to think that Rey might actually be some random woman that had the power to overthrow the First Order. But making her a Palpatine and claiming that her parents “chose to be nobody” is lazy retconning. Take a risk! Do something different!

If I’m being honest though, the main reason I don’t like this reveal is because it means Palpatine had sex with someone. If we get really nerdy and think timeline, the sex must have happened during the original trilogy. The battle of Jakku happens about a year after ‘Return of the Jedi’ and about 30 years before ‘The Force Awakens’. The parents didn’t look that old and weren’t Asian,*** so that means they couldn’t have been older than 35. This means ‘Return of the Jedi’ era Palpatine was the one who laid pipe, and that thought truly haunts me. Here’s hoping that he never yelled “UNLIMITED POWER!!!!” during sex.

The climactic battle - Much like ‘The Force Awakens‘ was a beat-for-beat copy of ‘A New Hope’, the ending of this movie was basically the ending of ‘Return of the Jedi’. So much of this back half didn’t work for me that I don’t even know where to begin. I’m just gonna stream-of-consciousness this thing:

EVERY Star Destroyer has a Death Star cannon? Could Disney not find one writer that could come up with a different idea?
Continuation from the point above - you have all these ships, but only one GPS system to coordinate them all? Seems like poor planning… or maybe it’s poor writing…
I burst out laughing when the horses burst out on the Star Destroyer. First off, it looked dumb as hell. Secondly, I can only assume that they’re thousands of miles above the ground. Does air follow different rules on this planet? Shouldn’t it be too thin for them to breathe up there? Am I asking too many questions? (Yes.)
Palpatine is now 3-for-3 in shocking himself with his own force lightning. At some point, wouldn’t you learn?? OR, when you start shocking yourself, stop? Also, I like that he’s strong enough to force shock an entire rebel fleet, but not strong enough to overcome two lightsabers.
The ‘Endgame’ moment where Lando shows up with reinforcements was incredibly telegraphed and did not work on any level at all. In Endgame, a broken Captain America stares down the hordes of Thanos minions alone and solemnly marches towards what we assume to be his death. When all the Avengers appear through the portals, the feeling of seeing all of our beloved heroes reunited is overwhelming. 10 years of Marvel / Disney magic leads up to this one moment, and it is awesome.

In Star Wars though? Poe starts to crumble and give up. Lando spends basically an afternoon hopping around the universe getting an absurd amount of backup - who are these people? Didn’t Leia call for reinforcements last movie? Where were all of you guys then? This uninspired rip-off meant to be an emotional turning point in the final act fell flat on its face and the only thing I felt was the fear that I had wasted $12 and 3 hours of my life to this terrible film.
I don’t go to see blockbuster films for amazing dialogue, but the “I am all the Sith!! // I am all the Jedi!!” lines were so bad that I wish I was born without the ability to hear.

THE WTF

The unrelenting fan service - My first hot take of 2020: JJ uses fan service to hide the fact that he can’t write a coherent story. Lando, Wedge Antilles, the medal Chewie finally gets at the end, are all just shiny trinkets to distract you from the lack of any meaningful plot in the film. Fan service is like frosting - if the cake is good, then yeah, I don’t mind frosting. But if the cake is substandard or barely even there, then get your frosting out of my face.

Lando’s last scene - If you don’t remember, in Lando’s last scene he chats up Jannah (one of the new useless characters) and it is so confusingly sexual that I remember asking my mom of all people, “Is Lando trying to get laid right now?” Half-assed internet research revealed that in an older draft, there was a scene implying that Jannah was Lando’s long lost daughter. JJ!!!! Without that context, this final scene doesn’t work! Even at his age, Billy Dee Williams is just way too sexual of a human being.

Rose getting benched - After playing a huge part in ‘The Last Jedi’, Rose gets sidelined in the trilogy finale. My pro-Asian representation biases aside, I think the character deserves much better than to be Leia’s (basically unseen) lackey. You could have given her Lando’s role, traveling from star system to star system recruiting support. Billy Dee Williams, while oozing sexual charisma, is basically senile at this point. JJ, you’re starting bum-ass Vince Carter when you got my adopted son Lonzo Ball sitting on the bench! Yeah, Vinsanity was great 30 years ago, but let’s give the young talent some run! Wasted opportunity. I hope Rose gets traded to another franchise where she’ll actually get some playing time.****

WHO IS HAVING SEX WITH EMPEROR PALPATINE?!?! - I guess this bodes well for my love life if Emperor Palpatine is out there clapping cheeks, but still…

FINAL THOUGHTS

This movie talks a lot but says very little. I leave this new trilogy completely uninterested in the new characters, the plot, and any new lore that is offered. If you are easily entertained by explosions and bright lights this is probably the film for you. I hope JJ Abrams is banished to some far off land, and I pray that they actually PLAN any future installments. There is plenty of story left to be told in the Star Wars Universe… let’s just get someone competent behind the wheel next time!

‘The Rise of Skywalker’ gets a D minus from me. Apply yourself! Don’t @ me.

____________________
*MACGUFFINS galore in this film.
**Also, the tone of the memory wipe was incredibly strange. You’d think you would treat a friend sacrificing himself for the greater good better, but instead he’s a punching bag the entire film. C-3PO, you need better friends!!
***It is a fact of the universe that I will look like I’m in my 20s until I am about 60.
****I am committing to this metaphor whether it works or not.